Comparing Siblings Creates Sibling Rivalry and Destroys Sibling Bonds

If we want our children to have a close relationship, we must learn to refrain from comparing them in any way. As soon as we place them in any kind of a competition, we are chipping away at their ability to maintain a healthy loving connectedness. When a new baby enters a household, havoc begins. The older sibling is threatened. After all they had mom and dad all to themselves. Now they must wait before their needs are met. Why would they want to embrace this new person arriving on the scene? Parents need to instruct the child but do not want to yell at them when they attempt to hit their sibling. You must talk about the new baby explaining how much the baby and they are loved. Keep an eye on what transpires but allow the resident sibling chances to view and touch as well as help with the new baby.

Of course aggression towards the new arrival must be dealt with in a teaching quiet demeanor. The older sibling is not always attuned to the benefits of having a sibling. At the moment the baby is seen as an intruder and a rival. If parents can discipline with kindness the child learns to gradually accept the new baby. If parents yell or constantly punish the older child, he or she resents the new baby.

As the new individual grows and is able to interact more with their sibling, the bonds develop. Now they have a companion in mischief. Parents must now be careful not to blame the older sibling for all of the wrongdoings even if they initiated most of the problems. Both children need to be admonished which will register fairness to the older sibling. Keeping the sibling relationship healthy is important. It also maintains a better rapport in the parent child relationship. As long as children understand they are not being replaced or losing the battle they will openly accept siblings.

There must never be the competition of who is the nicer child, more appealing or capable child or dependable child to mom and dad. Parents must attempt to hinder this attitude with other relatives. A simple reply of, “We don’t compare the kids,” is all that may be necessary. If children believe their sibling is to be blamed for their receiving less attention they will resent the new sibling. If the older sibling is always accused of making trouble, they will retaliate with anger and aggression.

Parents want to discipline their children and should. If you discipline with love especially when it comes to siblings, it allows you to maintain healthy relationships all around. Your children will support each other rather than compete. They will understand their parents love is unconditional and not based on their being more lovable or likable or smarter than their sibling or siblings. Arriving at this state of affairs brings greater harmony to the home and family as well as keeps feelings intact.

            Our attitude of fairness and restrictive competition ought to continue. Children need space to enjoy their own interests. They need the freedom to develop their true identities without the burden of parents’ wishes and desires. In so doing they develop skills of all kinds including empathy and love because they have been taught through their associations with parents and siblings. Rivalry has deceased from their home environment. Most likely it will appear outside of the home but they will have support to deal with those challenges.

            If parents nurture winning, they will foster competition and losers. If they foster life and love they will encourage empathy, empowerment and satisfaction in their children. Their kids will be more tempted to try new things because the pressure is off. If they fail at it they can move on to something else with their egos intact. The legacy we want to endow to our children is one of acceptance and love. They in turn will offer these attributes to others. We will have created strong individuals not easily pressured or controlled. The connectedness of love will be impossible to destroy.

All of us have experienced growing up in a variety of homes and situations. We may have to overcome dilemmas we experienced in those environments. We will most likely be parents one day and the enforcer of the guidelines. It will be up to us to choose wisely. If we are conflicted with the way our parents chose to raise us, then we have the opportunity to improve. We shouldn’t toss out blame or accusations at our parents, but we can improve our game. What an amazing world we will be creating for ourselves and our children and grandchildren. It really is something worth thinking about.   

Tumbleweed Kids

Are we tossing kids out with the garbage after the divorce?  I recently had my 3^rd book published “TUMBLEWEED KIDS” and have been teaching for many years. Being a teacher for many years put me on the front lines in observing the mistreatment of children. The over 40 true heart wrenching stories tell the kids side of the story. The stories tug at the heart while providing examples of the effect parents have on their children.  During a conference the parents told me they did not know why their son was not focused. I thought to myself maybe it is because each of you recently had a baby with another person. “Tumbleweed Kids” is helpful to parents and anyone working with children. It is not as instructive as it is an explanation told on a deeper emotional level, the burdens we unconsciously place on children. We need to love our children unconditionally and aid our children into becoming aware of this unconditional love.  Topics of divorce, bullying, drugs, alcohol and jail are a few of the subjects studied. I add the kid’s side to divorce. This isn't a criticism of anyone. it is a call to action, reflection and a review of our parenting skills. Dare to question and change if needed. Add your own comments and or questions.

 

‘THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION IN THE WORLD IS WHY IS THE CHILD CRYING.” ALICE WALKER

Bullying

“When people don't like themselves very much, they have to make up

for it. The classic bully was actually a victim first.” Tom Hiddleston Part 1 of 2

 

 

Bullying is a problem but not a new problem. Most adults have a story to tell regarding a bullying incident they experienced. Perhaps we need to look to ourselves for correction before we try to fix our children.  Many adults bully others at work, in neighborhoods, and in the general public. Many times we are not even aware of our own bullying tactics or the emotional burdens and sadness it places on others. In the work We don't recognize our own bullying tactics.

others is horrible. We must realize the control we are carving over others without their consent. We are tormenting and oppressing others just like the child in the schoolyard. We don’t recognize our own bullying tactics. If someone is different, not only in skin color or ethnicity or even religion, we make the decision unconscientiously to keep that person out of our loop. They don’t share a history like my buddy right here. They don’t share my values or lifestyle. They don’t laugh at the jokes I laugh at. They don’t dress the way I like to dress. They are too old or too young. The result is isolation of that person with everyone’s blessing. We don’t look at this as estrangement. We might feel less guilt by professing it is the person’s fault for being estranged. We say the person can be friends with whomever they want. The truth is, we have stacked the deck against the person. If we are honest we would admit it. We play games with other adults and make them feel inferior, and or

unwanted. Yet we are quick to notice a child in the schoolyard who is being ignored. Adults may jump to correct this and then we discuss how terrible the situation was. We are not removed from the same behaviors. This is why bullying has become like an infection. It is widespread and we are players involved in the situation. We are far from compassion and honesty. It’s possible that adults have started the epidemic by tormenting their own children and persecuting others who fail to fall in line behind them and their morals and values. Question our motives when we speak ill behind another’s back. Think about the bullying damage we do. We can’t take it back any more than we can collect all of the feathers we dumped from the top of a large building on a windy day. If we want to

teach our children to stop bullying others, we need to demonstrate it ourselves. If we continue to intimidate and strike our children, we will reap the harvest of a class-one bully. The time has come to take a look at how adults bully others on a daily basis. Sitting at a table with a group of people, one young woman stated how she felt so alienated. The people talked to each other animatedly, and looked directly at each other but never glanced in her direction. If she offered an opinion it was ignored. The same view restated by a more accepted person amongst them was enthusiastically

embraced. The group laughed at private jokes, ignoring her uneasiness at being on the outside of the

circle. Sometimes they would ignore her morning greetings as they passed by to get to their cubicle. She, at long last, silently passed them by and quickly hid inside her tiny space. Most of us would deny we would ever do such a thing. I can testify to numerous people being the victims to such situations. Bullies must feel threatened by these victims who are not afraid to stand alone if necessary. They wordlessly suffer through such ordeals, never sure if others might include them one day only to dismiss them the next day. At times, we forget to include these people in our lunch plans. We don’t consider this a problem. We don’t even worry about its consequences to the forgotten person. Diminished, these overlooked people remain strong and weather the torments. Maybe people fear and become jealous of the “new kid on the block.” They don’t want to lose a friendship to this other new person. Popularity plays a role. A person without the glamour is ignored. We instruct children to include others yet miss our own blame. Children observe adult actions. Time to role model respect kindness and thoughtfulness, gifts our kids will build upon and treasure.

 

“It is now clear to me that the family is a microcosm of the world, we

can study the family: Issues such as power, intimacy, autonomy, trust

and communication skills are vital parts underlying how we live in

the world. To change the world is to change the family.” Virginia

Satir

 

 

 

 

The Author's Reason For the Books And the Blog

Although this is my third blog, I think I should talk about who I am and why I write. I have taught pre-school, kindergarten, first grade and special education students. I am also an emergency technician and volunteered  on my town's ambulance for over thirteen years. During my  teaching years I continued to write at night and on the weekend. I was saddened by the number of women who either hated their mother-in-law or daughter-in-law whatever the case was. I began a 15 year research and survey which led to my first book "The Mother-in-Law Daughter-in-Law Dilemma. My next book was written about my most loved cat who died after living with us over twenty years. My last book was written because I was so disturbed at the number of stressed children. Parents were unaware of the kids thoughts about divorce, siblings extended families bullying, alcohol, discipline and many other subjects. The over forty stories are true and heart wrenching. I want to simply explain through the stories, the impact we unknowingly have on kids. The coarse language and rough handling of our kids is just in need of attention. We need to teach gentleness towards each other and all animals. The importance of empathy, kindness, responsibility rules acceptance and patience is underestimated. Getting back to the basics of school family and discipline in a gentle manner is almost the last desperate attempt to save our country, society, schools and most importantly our families. Love is the key ingredient for everything that deals with kids. I have had the chance to look at the world through the kids eyes and I offer the results of that sight and the challenge to view it for yourself. We can all do better every one of us. We need to try to do better. The questions are why is the child stressed and can we handle the truth.Our kids future whether bright or devastating, depends on our parenting attitude even more than our parenting skills skills. That is why I  wrote the book and share it with others. My blog is open  for suggestions and questions. I welcome them and offer to share my knowledge to the best of my own ability. No question is too ridiculous serious or inconsequential. I especially focused on the divorce theme throughout the book. My sincerest hope is that some marriages will be saved and the divorce rate will go down. I will share some of the stories from my book and some that were not in my book. I will attempt to exhibit the feelings of the kids. I am open for speaking engagements for those who are interested. I look forward to hearing from my audience. It will help me to focus on certain areas.
My Best and God Bless
Pamela Reynolds 

Nurturing

If one searches for the word nurturing in a dictionary it means things like cherish, support, care for, look after, and take care of.  

Bringing up children goes beyond our wildest thoughts about what parenthood means. If the funds are low it is essential to find ways to make save and use our income frugally. Competing for our children’s love by purchasing toys is never a good solution for any parent. Toys should never be used manipulatively as a way to apologize for our anger or obtain our children’s love or attention. Our children’s love cannot be bought.

 The gift of time should never be underestimated. When children look back on their childhood, they remember how they spent their time with us not what prizes we gave to them.

 Counting our physical presence in the home with the child is not meaningful time. At breakfast answer a child’s questions but admit it when you do not have the answers. Sending them into another room or handing them a toy to play with is not an answer. We are dismissing them.

After school children have a hundred thoughts running through their heads about the day’s events. They need to release these streams of consciousness. Encourage them to talk. We will become privy to a bullying situation, school work problem, friendship issue, fighting incident, fear or anxiety problem that shamed them, fears of insecurity, worthlessness, hopelessness and helplessness to name a few. It is kind of like how we encounter many of our own days. How awesome for a child to realize that mom or dad face the same things each day and understand how they feel.

Ignoring our children because we have had a bad day or we are tired, enhances our child’s frustrations. They must wait until we are feeling good about ourselves. This compounds their difficulties and encourages our children to turn to others in their need.

Listening to the happy stories they want to express is as important as hearing their tribulations. Children want their parents to be proud of them. They do not always think that we are, especially when we spend a lot of time criticizing them, or putting them off.

It is essential to listen to our child’s story even if it is time spent with the other parent.

 

 

 

VIGNETTE

“Sometimes the people whom we've known for only a short amount of time have a bigger impact on us than those we've known forever.” Maya Angelou

 

One young girl and boy were very good friends. The young girl, named Tanya was extremely efficient and confident and always willing to speak for another child. The boy, named Tom, was rather quiet and reserved. Tanya spoke for Tom most of the time with Tom’s permission. Although Tanya was always efficient in all areas of her school life, she was unaware of her own body’s needs.

Tanya was burdened with a mother in jail and a father without a job. Tanya’s father attempted to get a job but was defeated with every attempt. It often appeared that Tanya was taking care of him instead of the other way around. Although the teacher had to admit he tried and he did love Tanya very much.

One day when Tom and Tanya were working together on a project at school, the teacher overheard them talking. “Tanya, how come you always smell bad?” said Tom innocently. Tanya wide eyed and muddled answered, “I don’t know Tom.” The next day Tanya came to school with clean clothes and a freshly scrubbed body. She smiled at Tom who always smiled back in return. Nothing was said but a tremendous amount of knowledge had transpired between them.  

Tom received the help most of the time in any given situation. Intuitively, on that particular day, Tom was the giver of aid. He will never know what a tremendous gift he .gave to his young friend Tanya. Before the Holiday break at school, Tanya came into the classroom with a crumpled brown bag decorated in many colors. It was folded down and sealed with a crinkled piece of tape which was also holding a small candy cane. She immediately gave it to Tom whose entire face lit up with the surprise. Inside was a small car which Tom turned over and over in his hands. “I got it from my cereal box,” she explained. Tom flung his arms around Tanya and screeched, “You are the bestest friend anyone could ever have.” Tanya looked as happy as Tom. The power of love subdued the class and filled the teacher’s eyes with tears. We may never know how much warmth and love we have given another by a simple gesture of thought and kindness. The ripples from such an act infinitely spread throughout eternity.

www.pamreynolds.me

 

 

"There can be no keener revelation of a society’s soul than the way in which it treats its children" - Nelson Mandela

This is my first post on this new blog. I welcome differing opinions as long as they agree with me. JUST KIDDING! Please feel free to comment and or disagree. Hopefully we can resolve some issues and at least reflect on others.

“There can be no keener revelation of a society’s soul than the way in which it treats its children.” Nelson Mandela

1.       Parenting can’t be left to the TV, computer, I-pad, I-phone tweeting, texting or any other technological device.

2.        the truth about divorce as far as the kids are concerned differs from what we might think as parents. It has never been pretty for the man and woman involved. Now we should look at the kids side to divorce which is the unheard and unseen pieces of the story. Adults want and must get their lives back together but kids can never put their lives back together. In the best of circumstances there is loss and sometimes permanent loss. Kids face the hardest challenges when there is a divorce yet are given the least amount of support.

3.       Bullying  begins when our baby is mobile.

4.       Empathy  and kindness should be qualities we nurture in our kids.

5.       Family must be overestimated rather than underestimated.

6.       Food, clothes, language, patience, discipline, school  work, responsibility, accountability, and time with our kids are subjects of extreme importance.

7.       Love will always top everything and can work miracles. Loving our child unconditionally is key in my opinion. We may all agree we do love our kids but many times kids are not aware of this unconditional love. Time we fessed up.

8.       Kids pretend to accept certain situations they may hate because they either cannot control it or don’t realize they can.

9.      Kids will always love their biological parents regardless of our shortcomings.

10.   We really can’t buy our child’s love which is a good thing but in some situations a bad thing.

11.   Our presence is worth a million times more than our presents.

12.   We will never be our child’s friend but we can always be their parent.

13.   Being a parent will be our highest calling in life. The more we teach and impart empathy to our child, the more our soul will grow.

Add some questions thoughts or uncertainties. Ask for ideas, advice or statements of confusion. It is better to question than to assume all is okay because everyone is silent. From my time spent with teaching kids I can assure you that kids are not silent about their emotional distresses. I’m not implying they tell tales but I am emphasizing they overflow with painful emotions they find difficult to accommodate within themselves. Let’s talk for real because some problems can be resolved.

“When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you hang up my first painting on the refrigerator and I wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you feed a stray cat and I thought it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn’t’ looking I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I knew that little things are special things.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I heard you say a prayer and I believed there is a God I could always talk to.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I felt you kiss me goodnight and I felt loved.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I LOOKED….and wanted to say thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn’t looking.”    Connie Back

 

My third book TUMLEWEED KIDS, (How I got my blog title) is a new look at some old problems.